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Only give if it works as a tax write off.

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Resolve to drink Don Julio tequila with breakfast, just like Grandma.
-J

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Tip the scales in your f(l)avor
Gain/lose weight rapidly and unnecessarily, especially if it affects the national average or the well-being of your lover during sex.

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Shun charities, especially for the homeless and the elderly, with no consideration for family members; give only when it benefits you directly and is relevant to your interests.

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Fresh air is for the birds (& bees)
Ignore the outdoors and waste more time online, especially on porn sites that carry malware or strange fetishes like centaurs.

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Abolish the food pyramid
Hail the semi-nutritional, amorphous calorie pile! Pizza and burritos are quite possibly the world's most perfect foods, especially after a long night of doing whatever the hell you want.

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